A Goddess Comes Unglued

Fat Cat!!!

2005-09-25T02:33:00.000-05:00

The Indifference of Good Men

2005-09-13T00:12:00.000-05:00

Hurricane Katrina is the biggest national disaster in our nation's history. So why hasn't there been a bigger reaction - a more fervent response, a cry for help, or outrage at the inefficiency of federal relief efforts? I was looking at pictures in teh New York Times yesterday, and it hit me: the people who were effected were black. This is, of course, a generalization - but it is founded in a very scary fact that racism is still present in America, and that many people in OUR COUNTRY still recognize black people first as black and second as Americans. Most people, including myself, are recieving information about this catastrophe via the media - primarily television and newspapers - and for the masses who only make enough time in their day to watch the television on mute while making dinner, or to scan the photos without reading any of the articles, the image is this: poor black people.

The pictures of the astrodome - flooded with thousands of people whose homes have been destroyed, whose family members are missing, whose entire lives have been destroyed - they are black. This isn't to say that huge number of white people weren't affected by Hurricane Katrina, but the images the media is presenting are of black people.

Part of me thinks this is a politically motivated decision. It's about damage control. It's about wagging the dog. If the media showed pictures of white suburban families throughout the south whose lives have been tragically and permanently altered, people would riot. But when the images are of poor, hungry, angry, violent, weary, and sorrowful blacks, the American public can relegate the image and the event to the same part of their brain that recognizes children in Somalia are starving, and that Hotel Rwanda was a really sad movie. It isn't present - it doesn't seem relevent to their everyday lives. Can you imagine if this had happened in the Northeast? Or in California? Bush wouldn't have been on vacation. Relief would have been hurried through - cleared paperwork or not - and the country would be pulling together as a force like it did in the aftermath of 9.11.

It is just so frustrating to me. I mean, African-americans have enough political, social, economic, educational, and other factors against them without mother nature throwing in a big "fuck you". I mean, I don't consider myself a racist at ALL, but even I find myself sometimes reacting in a instinctive way that is a result of social and cultural conditions. I have a hard time imagining the obstacles the community faces, being a successful, middle-class, white woman. The closest I can imagine is that being black in today's America would be like being a woman in the 1950s. Of course the stereotypes and stigmas are totally different, but the oppression and repression follow a similar course. I am going to a lecture on this topic on Wednesday, and I really hope a lot of people attend. I want people to be aware of the issue. I want people to reach out and give something of themselves because we are all HUMAN, and we have ALL lost something.

On a somewhat related topic: if you are reading this, please don't forget about the ANIMALS who were affected by Hurricane Katrina!

What is with these dreams?

2005-09-06T16:20:00.000-05:00

I had another dream last night, and my whole day has been thrown off as a result. I dreamt that I had a baby - a little girl. Her name was Lola Rose, after my mom. I've always wanted to name my daughter Olivia Rose, but I still had Olivia my kitty, and I thought, "it can't have 2 little Olivia's running around the house! Besides, I don't want her to think she was named after the cat". She was tiny and beautiful, with little black curls and little hungry lips. I felt a happiness that was unlike anything else I had felt. It wasn't a greater happiness, just a different happiness. It was like a light that warmed every part of my body. I was still 22 in the dream, and I had come to terms with being 22 and having a baby. Having my little girl. I was ready to start adapting my life so that I could take care of her. My mom was so happy to have a grandbaby, and my dad had this big stupid smile on his face. My mom taught me how to breastfeed. I was at a theatre after giving birth, and a lot of my friends were there - particularly those from Brevard. They were all so happy for me, and they all agreed that she was a truly beautiful little girl. Then I woke up, and none of it was real. It was such a strange feeling. I really felt in my body and my heart that I had a baby. It was so strange to be totally acclimated to that feeling, and to have my heart full of the warmth and beauty that a child brings, and then to have it all torn away as I came back into reality. Ack. I feel so strange right now. It was an out of body experience. Ack.

An interesting concept

2005-09-02T00:47:00.000-05:00

I was doing some reading today for my International Perspective on Culture and the Arts class, and I came across an interesting concept. I love it when I actually LEARN things in class! :)

The following quotes are from the short article"In Pursuit of Culture", by Jules David Prown:

"History is untrue; it has to be. Recognition of this does not invalidate it but simply underscores the obvious fact that the past is over adn done with and, abset a time machine, cannot be recaptured whole. The history that we retrieve is our interpretation of what happened, a myth or fiction that helps us explain how the world in which we live came to be."

"A metaphor is by definition a lie - a person is not a snake in the grass, an idea is not a bombshell - and the same is true of the other prevaricating structures of fiction - metonymy, synecdoche, tropes of all sorts. And yet literary fictions, whether prose or poetry or myth, can arrive at large, even profound truths that resonate with our own experience of life as lived in this world, and they can move us deeply."

I just really like how this author challenges the idea of 'truth'. It makes a lot of sense to me, particularly in the context of "cultural lenses". In other words, we as a culture hold certain values to be moral "truths". This is good. This other is bad. And more often than not, we don't question whether or not these values, which are fundemental to our cultural experience and environment, to be concrete. It is amazing how subjective truth is, even within your own culture - and his argument, that history is by its very nature fiction, emphasizes the concept that history is dictated by the values/principles/beliefs/behaviors of the person/group which recorded and preserved it. The same story can be retold in so many different ways, depending on who is telling the story. In any case, it's not an epiphany, or something that hasn't been discussed before. I just thought it was interesting, and I enjoyed how this author articulated it.

Another Strange Dream

2005-08-31T10:47:00.000-05:00

This morning I had another totally weird dream. It started out in a hilly wasteland, full of tangled dead brambles and fallen logs. I was hiding from a helicopter search party, squeezing in between the vines and lying down next to the logs. But then this woman started hunting me with her two dogs, who were more like wargs than dogs - streaming muscles and vicious teeth, snarling. They found me, and started to tear me apart, and the woman laughed - proud of her dogs. I was pulled up by the helicopter just in time.

Then the dream suddenly shifted gears. I was in a bedroom, and someone who looked a lot like Shanti, but who was not Shanti, was kissing me. We were lovers. We were dating. He needed to go accomplish something - a mission of some sort - and I was not allowed to go. I wanted to go though, so to prevent me in a kind way, not-Shanti gave me a hit of acid and told me to listen to the radio while he was gone. I responded gleefully with "You are a radio." Then I was on a hike, still tripping. We were observing nature and our guide was telling us about some kind of animal that was beautiful and native to the area. Then we arrived at the bank of a river, and our guide (a woman said), "now, this next thing is really amazing. You are about to witness a group of baboons who have been taught to sing. They are the only singing baboons in the world." I laughed, thinking the whole thing to be rather silly, but then they started to sing. It was a divine chorus of gorgeous, surreal, ethereal voices, and I was enraptured.

Then the dream ended. Strange, no?

Another note: I actually got up BEFORE class and went and worked out, because I knew I wouldn't have enough time during the day. Not bad huh?

Bad Dream

2005-08-26T20:59:00.000-05:00

I had a dream this afternoon that was about my cats. I was running - jogging on a sidewalk - and the cats were running right behind me. I was worried, because even though they were following me, I was concerned that they were going to stray. I was more worried about Olivia than I was about Memphis, because Memphis tends to stay much closer to me. Then we got to a bridge. Suddenly, Olivia broke away and ran ahead. There were eggs all over the bridge - both real ones and candy ones. I was frightened, because Olivia was watching them as they fell over the edge one by one. I stopped thinking about Memphis, because I assumed she was following behind me - staying close like she always does. Olivia was sticking her head over the edge of the bridge, and I looked over the edge, and the water was red. Blood red. Then, as I was reaching for Olivia, trying to prevent her from jumping to follow the eggs. Then I looked over, and I watched in horror as Memphis jumped from the bridge. Her legs went back and forth, flailing as she fell hundreds of feet into the water. I watched her as she landed in the red water and began to swim towards the edge. I was horrified - thinking that she would drown, thinking how strong the current was and if I would be able to save her. I was looking for a bag, thinking that I could put Memphis in the bag, and then I would be able to swim with her without her drowning. I was worried that Olivia would jump in while I was trying to save Memphis, and I would lose both of them. I woke up, terrified that I had lost both my babies - both my precious cats. Now they are sitting on either side of me - being perfect, and cute, and loving, and vulnerable, and needing my care and love as much as I need theirs. I don't know what I'd do without these girls. I just don't know. They keep me sane.

What?

2005-08-18T12:50:00.000-05:00

"We can't officially comment on matters of someone's sexual orientation. But off the record, he's clearly a skinny Democratic fudge packer."
--Ari Fleischer, White House press secretary on Clay Aiken

Ummm...

Another good day (well, for the most part)

2005-08-17T19:51:00.000-05:00

I had a nice day today. I decided that I was tired of just staying around the house, and not getting anything done. So last night I decided that I was going to do something interesting today - something from which I would learn, and that would make me a happier person. So I went to the Tibetan Cultural Center, founded in the '70s by the Dalai Lama's brother, Professor Norbu.

It was really nice. The man in the office showed me around, and explained the different parts of the temple. The painting in the temple is beautiful. I meditated in the peaceful afternoon, and it was relaxing - balancing. Then I got my cats some cat food - the good kind, even though I have no money right now. I couldn't bring myself to buy them crappy cat food - this must be what it's like to have kids. Then I went and practiced voice - worked on "Je dis que rien ne m'epouvante", and "Donde lieta". I made some progress - opened up some space, and relaxed my voice a little bit. I was able to get into a much better position by the end of my practice session. In any case - it was a nice day. I feel accomplished.

I'm so over this.

2005-08-17T15:32:00.000-05:00

Enough said. It's not about that. It never is.

YAY!

2005-08-17T00:40:00.000-05:00

I had such a great night! I drove up to indy to meet Norm, a guy I met on match.com. He sounded intelligent and sweet, and he's handsome, so I was excited. I got to the coffee house early, and immediately found $30, which is AWESOME since I am about to each my shoelaces (no money. none. whatsoever.). He walked it, and I recognized him right away. He's even cuter in person, and has this open sweet smile that I love. He's a littl bit shy, which wasn't a problem, but I could tell he was thinking of questions to keep asking so that there wouldn't be a lull in the conversation. He didn't need to worry though - we talked for 3 hours...in the coffee shop and walking around downtown Indy. He's 27, and he graduated from Purdue several years ago, then spent a year doing research in Washington DC, then 2 years in Ghana in the Peace Corps. Now is doing an MD/PhD program in Indy, and he just decided on the immunology clinic. It was just so nice to have intelligent conversation with a handsome guy who is tall, and who's a gentleman. I didn't want to be in charge for once, and so I waited for him to decide whether or not we'd see each other again. At the end of the date, he walked me to my car and said, "I had a really nice time tonight." I said, "I did too - I really enjoyed it." He paused, and then said, "I'd really like to take you out to dinner sometime if you'd like to go." :) Of COURSE I'd like to go! I never get taken on dates. I'm excited about this guy. I'm not really looking for a relationship - seems silly with me moving in a year - but it would be nice to have someone whose company I enjoyed and vice versa. MMmm... Anyway. What a great night...

Withdrawl.

2005-08-10T22:58:00.000-05:00

It feels so strange to be in a room by myself. Having been surrounded by 40 dramatic, dynamic, strange and wonderful (mostly) opera singers 24/7 for 2 months, this whole "alone" business is a little alien. It feels so good though! Almost as good as the baths I've been taking every day since I got back. All the same, I miss my girls! I went on a date tonight - a "coffee date". The guys name was Steve, and he was very manic and ADD. But it was fun anyhow - he's very smart and eccentric. He just hasn't really mastered the social skills thing quite yet. I like him though, for company, and we're going to the zoo tomorrow. I haven't been to the zoo in ages, and I'm excited. My inner child really enjoys the zoo (who am I kidding, I am my inner child, and I enjoy the zoo). Hopefully it goes well. I'm so excited to be back in town with my girl sammy, and with Ann (who seems so much happier), and with my kitties and the whole nine yards. YAY!

Last Day in Brevard

2005-08-08T09:07:00.000-05:00

Last night we had a last hurrah at the Hob Nob to listen to jazz and say goodbye to all the friends that we were unlikely to see in the morning. It was a good night, and one that reminded me of how wonderful this summer has been for me. I have made a lot of personal progress in my endeavor to be a professional singer, coming to terms with the amount of work necessary for performances that I'm proud of. Almost more importantly, I'm learning to enjoy this process, and to love the work. I have made some good contacts around the states and in Canada, and I've made friends whom I'm sure I'll keep for years. Between Rebecca, Dana, Amanda, and Janel, I feel as though I've found the sisters I never had. In two months, I have made closer friends than in all my time at IU (not, of course, including my girl Sammy, who I will see tonight after two whole months!).

(Some of my girls, dancing at last week's afterparty)

So now I'm in Quotations Coffee Cafe, the spot where I have checked my mail and gotten a lunch of soup and salad nearly every day. It is one of the only spots in Brevard proper that I will miss. I won't miss the bugs, the mold, the constant rain, or the complete lack of privacy, but I will miss being able to wake up and climb into bed with one of the girls to chat about the previous night. I will miss having a supportive group of talented, intelligent, beautiful individuals who have supported my art, my work, and my person from day one.

I'm off - back to clean Melody dorm with Rebecca, and then an 8 1/2 hour drive home.

Goodbye Brevard - thanks for being so good to me!

Ahhhhhhh....

2005-08-03T14:04:00.000-05:00

I just had the best spa experience of my life. Some of my girls at Brevard - namely Rebecca, Amanda, Janel, Dana, and Kristina - got me an hour long hot stone massage at Elements Shop and Day Spa in Brevard. It was SUCH an awesome massage, and afterwards I was able to take a hot shower with organic shampoo and really expensive face care products (Jurlique). Mmmmmm.....

Thanks girls!!!

22.

2005-08-02T17:26:00.000-05:00

22. My birthday has passed a twenty-second time, and I do indeed feel older. I feel as though this sensation is a result of this summer, however, and not of the arbitrary day on which I chose to notice it. I feel as though I have come into my own in many ways this summer, and this year in general. Brevard, and the company here, have taught me so many things about being a professional. Many of the steps were already in place, but they were out of order. It seems more real to me now that I can mentally order the process necessary to give a succcessful performance. How seriously the language and the translation need to be taken - how the words take precedence over the voice, and how proper inflection and understanding of the one often leads to correct technique in the other. I have also learned to have more faith in myself - to be more settled in my own ability. I went from being a nervous and awkward undergraduate to a noble and dignified warrior queen in 5 days. It's good to know that that is possible. If I can do it in 5 days, after all, think what I could do with a month! I am beginning to understand the dramatic process as well...the subtle shifts in personality that are based on past emotional and physical experiences, but that combine to create a dramatic entity separate from self. It makes me excited to get another role, so that I can hone the process. It makes me hopeful that I will succeed at my career because I derive so much JOY and reward from the process. I have learned how to practice so that I can help myself. I have learned, in short, to enjoy the work of singing. THIS IS A HUGE STEP FOR ME! It was the only thing that made me doubt that I could be a professional singer. I didn't enjoy the work, and 99% of a stage career in not on stage. There are so many aspects of this profession that are determined by chance, but I feel like I am getting a good head start on the things that aren't. I am lucky, too, that my family are both financially stable and supportive enough to allow me to pursue this dream. Singing, like any sport, is expensive. Between the books, the music, the coachings, accompanists, voice lessons, programs, and other forms of training...well, you can add up quite a figure before it ever starts to flow in the other direction. That is, IF it ever starts to flow in the other direction. I am settled. I am happy. This is a good way to begin 22. :)

None of this is to say, of course, that I don't have a LOT of work still to do. It's only to say that I'm happy with my progress.

A Work in Progress

2005-07-27T10:34:00.000-05:00

The past few days have put my mind more at ease as far as Dido and Aeneas is concerned. I was worried, because of our lack of rehearsal time and space, and the fact that we were staging the entire thing in 2 days with 3 more for rehearsal. Martha Collins wasn't being as specific as we needed - perhaps in the interest of time - but it didn't work for us. So last night Heather, Rebecca, and I worked on the porch until 1:30am. We ran the staging, brainstorming and helping each other with subtext and ideas for blocking and expression. We were able to include Rebecca more as a character this way, and I think the show will be improved 200% just by this work we did. I don't think Sean is 100% invested in Dido, seeing as how he already performed a major role this summer. I also don't think this is the kind of music he appreciates, but both Rebecca and Heather agree that he will turn it on for an audience, and I tend to agree. He's doing a wonderful job, without question, it's just that he doesn't seem as committed to the role as the rest of us are. In any case, I think it's really going to be a good show. We are doing it in all black - minimalist style, which in some ways seems like a better idea. It will be elegant, and clear. I'm mainly nervous because this is the first time Michael and Salli (Dad and Stepmom) will see me sing opera, and I want them to enjoy it and have respect for what I do...to take me seriously as a professional in other words. In any case, off to lunch.

:)

A CF in the making

2005-07-24T22:06:00.000-05:00

I'm a little nervous about the Baroque Opera Scenes night. The admin did a shitty job planning this - we are doing my entire opera, as well as acts from two other operas - and we started staging them LAST WEEK. We have had ONE musical run through - not including my aria, which we still have not run. We have staged everything, but we have only staged it, not actually run through the staging yet! And we have an orchestra run through TOMORROW at 10AM! First of all, I don't sing at 10AM. Secondly, they are having me sing through the entire opera three times tomorrow - including one time from 9PM-10:30PM, which is really late to be singing (although I suppose it's god for me to get used to it, as that's when most operas are). STILL. And we're running it several times a day for the next three days - I'm worried if I'll even HAVE a voice by the time we have the production. Last, but not least, our minimalist director (who in general I really like) has decided that we are not going to have any costumes at all! Just black. I hope they'll let me wear a beautiful black gown, and not some stupid collection of random black travel wear. Grrrrrr....

I just don't like going into things feeling as if they're inadequately prepared. It's not professional, and it bothers me. I'm sure it will be fine, I'm just stressed. Ack.

The good news is that I traded a simple (cheap) jacket for a BEAUTIFUL 100% silk black evening gown from Banana Republic that fits me PERFECTLY. It's great.

Sammy - are you still coming? I love you!

Martha Collins Has Arrived:

2005-07-16T23:29:00.000-05:00

The woman directing the Baroque Opera Night, Martha Collins, arrived yesterday. Heather (Belinda) and I met her today to go over the text as well as some basic tenets of good acting. She is a beautiful woman in (I would guess) her 40s, with long black hair and black eyeliner that surrounds intense green eyes. She has presence, and as she instructs, she unconciously demonstrates with her body what she means. She is someone I am glad to know. She wears all black, with a simple accent piece, every single day. She is, in short, a character. Not only that, but I have been told by no less than 3 people since she has arrived that, "she [Martha] reminds me of you [me]," because we are both "free spirits". I have never thought of myself as a free spirit really, not in the forest gump, joni mitchell kind of way anyhow - but I suppose I can see their point. Janel said, "It's not so much how she looks as how she carries herself and how she speaks to you." If that's the case, then I welcome the comparison. She is a strong woman - the kind of woman who you notice when she walks into a room. I'm alright with being that kind of woman.

I would like to get a lesson with her while she's here. It's a little silly that opera majors at IU are not required (or really even able) to take acting classes, and I feel as though I would benefit from them. She talked about how, "acting is really simpler than everyone makes it. You just have to be a person." She said that you have to bring an honesty and a veracity to the stage, or you don't come across as a human being, and the audience has to try to hard to understand what you're doing - at that point they lose interest and it's over. She had us work on different kinds of gestures, including open and closed, fast and slow, and large and small. Fast and slow are particularly relevant to singing, where it takes an age to say one thing. In order to stay true to the intention of the words and the character, your gestures have to be continual and honest - moving as a person would as the gestilate in speech. In any case, I'm very excited to work with her. We start staging on Monday!

Martha Collins picture and bio are as follows: (she's a little rougher looking in real life, but still beautiful)

Martha Collins, stage director
The 2006 season marks Ms. Collins’ third year as stage director for Sarasota Opera’s Apprentice Artist Program, and she was the stage director for the Sarasota Youth Opera’s production of Britten’s The Little Sweep in May 2005. Recent and upcoming engagements include directing A Talent to Amuse--An Evening of Noel Coward at the New England Conservatory; Dido and Aeneas at Brevard Music Center and a return to New York University for her third season directing An Evening of One-Act Operas, which in the past has included performances of operas using her libretto translations of The Audition and The Finishing School by Franz von Suppé and Jacques Offenbach’s The Two Blind Beggars. She has directed Carlisle Floyd’s Susannah and Donizetti’s L’elisir d’amore for Opera Mozart in New Jersey, Lucia di Lammermoor and Tosca for New Jersey Verismo Opera and Il tabbarro and Amahl and the Night Visitors for Opera North. She has been a concert and operatic performer and can be seen in the film Moonstruck in the role of Mimì in La bohème.

AHHHHH! Why do we live in a FASCIST state?!

2005-07-15T15:07:00.000-05:00

From my friend Ryan McAdams livejournal...it's SCARY

From the Press Briefing by Press Secretary Scott McClellan, July 11th, 2005

Q Does the President stand by his pledge to fire anyone involved in the leak of a name of a CIA operative?

MR. McCLELLAN: Terry, I appreciate your question. I think your question is being asked relating to some reports that are in reference to an ongoing criminal investigation. The criminal investigation that you reference is something that continues at this point. And as I've previously stated, while that investigation is ongoing, the White House is not going to comment on it. The President directed the White House to cooperate fully with the investigation, and as part of cooperating fully with the investigation, we made a decision that we weren't going to comment on it while it is ongoing.

Q Excuse me, but I wasn't actually talking about any investigation. But in June of 2004, the President said that he would fire anybody who was involved in this leak, to press of information. And I just want to know, is that still his position?

MR. McCLELLAN: Yes, but this question is coming up in the context of this ongoing investigation, and that's why I said that our policy continues to be that we're not going to get into commenting on an ongoing criminal investigation from this podium. The prosecutors overseeing the investigation had expressed a preference to us that one way to help the investigation is not to be commenting on it from this podium. And so that's why we are not going to get into commenting on it while it is an ongoing investigation, or questions related to it.

Q Scott, if I could -- if I could point out, contradictory to that statement, on September 29th, 2003, while the investigation was ongoing, you clearly commented on it. You were the first one who said, if anybody from the White House was involved, they would be fired. And then on June 10th of 2004, at Sea Island Plantation, in the midst of this investigation is when the President made his comment that, yes, he would fire anybody from the White House who was involved. So why have you commented on this during the process of the investigation in the past, but now you've suddenly drawn a curtain around it under the statement of, "We're not going to comment on an ongoing investigation"?

MR. McCLELLAN: Again, John, I appreciate the question. I know you want to get to the bottom of this. No one wants to get to the bottom of it more than the President of the United States. And I think the way to be most helpful is to not get into commenting on it while it is an ongoing investigation. That's something that the people overseeing the investigation have expressed a preference that we follow. And that's why we're continuing to follow that approach and that policy.

Now, I remember very well what was previously said. And at some point, I will be glad to talk about it, but not until after the investigation is complete.

Q So could I just ask, when did you change your mind to say that it was okay to comment during the course of an investigation before, but now it's not?

MR. McCLELLAN: Well, I think maybe you missed what I was saying in reference to Terry's question at the beginning. There came a point when the investigation got underway when those overseeing the investigation asked that it would be their -- or said that it would be their preference that we not get into discussing it while it is ongoing. I think that's the way to be most helpful to help them advance the investigation and get to the bottom of it.

Q Scott, can I ask you this; did Karl Rove commit a crime?

MR. McCLELLAN: Again, David, this is a question relating to an ongoing investigation, and you have my response related to the investigation. And I don't think you should read anything into it other than we're going to continue not to comment on it while it's ongoing.

Q Do you stand by your statement from the fall of 2003 when you were asked specifically about Karl and Elliott Abrams and Scooter Libby, and you said, "I've gone to each of those gentlemen, and they have told me they are not involved in this" -- do you stand by that statement?

MR. McCLELLAN: And if you will recall, I said that as part of helping the investigators move forward on the investigation we're not going to get into commenting on it. That was something I stated back near that time, as well.

Q Scott, I mean, just -- I mean, this is ridiculous. The notion that you're going to stand before us after having commented with that level of detail and tell people watching this that somehow you decided not to talk. You've got a public record out there. Do you stand by your remarks from that podium, or not?

MR. McCLELLAN: And again, David, I'm well aware, like you, of what was previously said, and I will be glad to talk about it at the appropriate time. The appropriate time is when the investigation --

Q Why are you choosing when it's appropriate and when it's inappropriate?

MR. McCLELLAN: If you'll let me finish --

Q No, you're not finishing -- you're not saying anything. You stood at that podium and said that Karl Rove was not involved. And now we find out that he spoke out about Joseph Wilson's wife. So don't you owe the American public a fuller explanation? Was he involved, or was he not? Because, contrary to what you told the American people, he did, indeed, talk about his wife, didn't he?

MR. McCLELLAN: David, there will be a time to talk about this, but now is not the time to talk about it.

Q Do you think people will accept that, what you're saying today?

MR. McCLELLAN: Again, I've responded to the question.

Go ahead, Terry.

Q Well, you're in a bad spot here, Scott, because after the investigation began, after the criminal investigation was underway, you said -- October 10th, 2003, "I spoke with those individuals, Rove, Abrams and Libby, as I pointed out, those individuals assured me they were not involved in this." From that podium. That's after the criminal investigation began. Now that Rove has essentially been caught red-handed peddling this information, all of a sudden you have respect for the sanctity of the criminal investigation?

MR. McCLELLAN: No, that's not a correct characterization Terry, and I think you are well aware of that. We know each other very well, and it was after that period that the investigators had requested that we not get into commenting on an ongoing criminal investigation. And we want to be helpful so that they can get to the bottom of this, because no one wants to get to the bottom of it more than the President of the United States. I am well aware of what was said previously. I remember well what was said previously. And at some point, I look forward to talking about it. But until the investigation is complete, I'm just not going to do that.

Q Do you recall when you were asked --

Q Wait, wait -- so you're now saying that after you cleared Rove and the others from that podium, then the prosecutors asked you not to speak anymore, and since then, you haven't?

MR. McCLELLAN: Again, you're continuing to ask questions relating to an ongoing criminal investigation, and I'm just not going to respond any further.

Q When did they ask you to stop commenting on it, Scott? Can you peg down a date?

MR. McCLELLAN: Back at that time period.

Q Well, then the President commented on it nine months later. So was he not following the White House plan?

MR. McCLELLAN: John, I appreciate your questions. You can keep asking them, but you have my response.

Go ahead, Dave.

Q We are going to keep asking them. When did the President learn that Karl Rove had had a conversation with the President -- with a news reporter about the involvement of Joseph Wilson's wife and the decision to send --

MR. McCLELLAN: I've responded to the questions.

Q When did the President learn that Karl Rove had --

MR. McCLELLAN: I've responded to the questions, Dick.

Go ahead.

Q After the investigation is completed, will you then be consistent with your word and the President's word that anybody who was involved would be let go?

MR. McCLELLAN: Again, after the investigation is complete, I will be glad to talk about it at that point.

Q And a follow-up. Can you walk us through why, given the fact that Rove's lawyer has spoken publicly about this, it is inconsistent with the investigation, that it compromises the investigation to talk about the involvement of Karl Rove, the Deputy Chief of Staff?

MR. McCLELLAN: Well, those overseeing the investigation expressed a preference to us that we not get into commenting on the investigation while it's ongoing. And that was what they requested of the White House. And so I think in order to be helpful to that investigation, we are following their direction.

Q Scott, there's a difference between commenting on an investigation and taking an action --

MR. McCLELLAN: Go ahead, Goyal.

Q Can I finish, please?

MR. McCLELLAN: You can come -- I'll come back to you in a minute. Go ahead, Goyal.

READ THE WHOLE AMAZING THING! http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2005/07/20050711-3.html

Seriously, Karl Rove is the devil:

This is NOT ok.

People for Jesus Against American Christian Fundamentalism

2005-07-14T15:38:00.000-05:00

Ok - I will never live in the South. It is STUNNING here - absolutely beautiful - but I have never seen so many pro-Bush stickers or confederate flags anywhere in my life. Not to mention Baptist churches! We counted 18 on a 1/2 hour drive the other day.

Seriously.

I don't understand Christian fundamentalism at all. I mean, I DO, but it doesn't seem to follow any of the tenets of New Testament Christianity.

But I digress.

Work, work, work!

2005-07-13T18:34:00.000-05:00

We had our first run through of Dido and Aeneas today with all the soloists, and it's a really good cast. I'm proud to be part of such a strong cast. It's funny too, because I'm the only female lead whose male counterpart is hot. Sean Damm is certainly tasty, if not really my type. In any case, we ran through all the solo parts with John Greer, the conductor. I was nervous, because this is the first time I've worked with a conductor. You have to be very flexible. You'll sing through something, and he'll give you five notes about ornaments, breathing and whatnot else, and you'll have to change everything you'vel learned on the spot...in front of the rest of the cast. I did well today, and everyone complimented me afterwards, but I was disappointed with my dramatic interpretation of the piece. Dido is a queen, and she deserves a stronger depiction than my nervous self was giving her. Grrr... Oh well, nothing to do but fix it. I'm at a coffee shop right now with Rebecca and Janel, and I just finished typing the entire libretto of the opera, and then a colloquial (modern) translation. I'm going to work with that, so that I can get into it a little better I'm also going to work with Heather (Belinda) this weekend on the acting and on doing it off book and under pressure, since we start staging on Monday (I think).

Oh! And I was asked by Andrew Campbell, the head of the collaborative piano program, to sing Schumann's Widmung and Brahm's Botschaft on the final art song recital. I'm happy, because this gives me another opportunity to sing solo. Not only that, but I'll be able to record it with some decent quality, since my lovely wonderful parents gave me a MINIDISK RECORDER for my birthday!

Isn't she pretty? I think I'll name her Dido in honor of my first role, and the first opportunity to use her.

My next projects are to memorize "Je dis que rien ne m'epouvante" and "Kommt ein schlanker bursch gegangen", and to learn "Donde lieta" and "Ach ich fuhls". Then I'll have two new germans, a new french, and a new italian - all of which I need for auditions. I think I'll audition for a bunch of programs and competitions next spring, but the more I think about it, the more it makes sense to audition for grad schools the spring of 2007, when I'm already in New York. I'll know more teachers, have better connections, and have to travel WAY less for auditions. Also, my voice will be a year older and better - a big difference at my age. Anyhoo - all for now. Love you all!

Debussy in the morning

2005-07-09T12:48:00.000-05:00

I woke up at 8:30 this morning to go to a rehearsal for an orchestra concert featuring Debussy. One of the pieces has a female chorus, of which I am a part, and while its incredibly beautiful, I have to say that my voice is NOT in top form at 9AM. Thank god I'm singing mezzo. That's one of the beauties of having a fuller voice - I get to sing mezzo in choir and not stress myself out vocally. I am, however, singing soprano in HMS Pinafore, a musical in which I'm performing this evening. Gillbert and Sullivan is a little nauseating for the performer, but I think the audience enjoys it. Eighteenth century British humor is a little much for me. You can tell the kind of humor found in this musical just by looking at the composers' pictures.

These are the kind of men one would describe as "chaps", as in, "fine chaps, Gilbert and Sullivan. Jolly old fellows, righty-oh." Oh well. What are you going to do?

After the Debussy rehearsal this morning I laid on the dock with my friends Rebecca, Dana, and Amanda. It is so beautiful out today - warm and delicious, and if you close your eyes and breathe deep, it almost feels like Mexico. We went swimming in the lake, which was clearer than usual, and then went home - sun-saturated and satisfied. Mmmmm....

More later.

And Sammy - I saved all your messages to listen to when I miss you.

YOU!
:)

The Epitome of Boredom (as far as nightlife anyway)

2005-07-06T00:55:00.000-05:00

This is what happens in a town with no night life. (Don't worry mom, I'm going to bed at a reasonable hour. By night life, I mean after 10pm.) Janel and Rebecca got done up as trashy as could be last night, and after assuming drag queen names (Holly Would and Chyna Versace respectively), we went to the grocery store for a "photo shoot". I was their talent manager and photographer. We had southern accents (which we maintained through all interactions with store employees...call it a character study...if any of us ever need to play crazy Southern prostitutes, we're set. Think Ballad of Baby Doe). Here is some of our evening.

The girls get glammed up.

Strut your stuff, baby. Yeah - work it!

Red Hot Sausage. That's how they like it in North Carolina. (and yes, Janel really did go out in public with that hair.)

The action shots: Cheese Curls in Motion

CCIM Continued (I'm not sure why we didn't get kicked out either)

CCIM Continued...

Look at Janel's Melons!

Potato Power!

Seriously. I mean. Seriously.

WSQL 1240 AM

2005-07-02T18:21:00.000-05:00

I am about to perform live on Brevard Community Radio with a few of my friends. I will be singing a crowd favorite, O mio babbino caro (Puccini), since it's a small town. My friends Rebecca, Jonathan, Dana, and Ryan will also be singing. This is my first radio performance - wild huh? Dana just talked to the various coffee shops and set it up. We're also going to have 2 "aria nights" at the 2 local coffee shops. This particular endeavor is through "Essence of Thyme", a coffee shop on Main Street.

Other than that, things are good, life is good.

Well, for me. Rebeca's brother's best friend Eric, with whom she grew up, was in the helicopter that was shot down over Afghanistan yesterday, so she is a little shell-shocked. It just makes me so angry. What did he die for? Rebecca's brother is a retired Navy Seal, and he retired last year because he was disillusioned. As he said, "We go into this because we love our country, and all we ask in return is that we not be put in harm's way unless it is absolutely necessary." This definately does not fall under that category. OHHHHH! It makes me so mad!

New subject.

John Greer, my conductor, is Canadian, and as last night was Canada Day, we had a big celebration with fireworks and everything. It was a hoot - I'll post pics as soon as I have a chance. Below are a few pics from Barber of Seville and Brevard in general. For more, go to my account on Flickr.com. It's under cleopatrareborn.

James Lesniak, who is currently working for Placido Domingo at the Washington Opera (DC). He is an INCREDIBLE coach.

Pepe the pinata's donkey thong. :)

Some of the Janiec Opera Co. crew.

The girl's cabin. Quaint, eh?

Mark and Sean (Almaviva and Figaro). Sean is my Aeneas.

Megan (rosina) putting on her makeup.

Dana, as Berta, getting made "old" by Jillian, the wig and makeup girl.

The random artsy shot. :)

All for now - I love and miss all of you!!!

I'm Cranky.

2005-06-27T18:59:00.000-05:00

I'm totally cranky today. I don't know why - I feel like maybe my period is coming, but I really have no idea since I stopped taking my birth control. I had a great day overall though. I slept in pretty late (there was a thunderstorm last night, and none of us slept very well). Then I went to town to look for a blanket (which I left in a dryer, and was consequently stolen :( ). After that we went to a one hour music rehearsal for HMS Pinafore, and then we went to a three hour staging. It was a lot of standing around, singing, and leanring choreography to have not eaten. We finally got out at 5pm and were able to eat dinner. (When did it become a "good day" you ask). After that, we went to the dock, and then went swimming in the lake and sunning on the dock. THAT was the nice part of my day. I'm still cranky though, and I don't know why. I feel like I have low blood sugar (I don't), or that I'm PMSing (again, who knows). Grump. Harumph. Hmph.

As soon as I can, I'll post some pics of the show (Barber of Seville) which went really well. This week we are learning and staging HMS Pinafore, by Gilbert and Sullivan. It's a pretty fun show as of right now, although it's a little bit nauseatingly cute.

You know what? I don't have the patience for this right now. I'm too cranky. I will tell you about last week some other time ... especially about Saturday night, which involved some late night, um...swimming. :) It's not that scandalous, don't worry.

Night time

2005-06-27T00:05:00.000-05:00

I’m sitting in a small café in a small town full of small minded people. The light is flickering on the silver of my computer; it’s the fan above me, and the light that is filtering through it. Fans are commonplace in North Carolina, where the air is so thick and heavy with warm water that you feel as if you standing over a pot of boiling water at all times. I went swimming today. The water was dappled by sun, and the temperature reflected the light, freezing and warming me in contrast.

There are so many people here – so many people of varied personality and talent. Bodies are as different as the shapes of the instruments in the orchestra. Some long and slender, like a clarinet or flute. Others awkwardly adolescent, like the trombone. Some squat and seeming to hold more than their fair share of weight, like the tuba. There are some who are elegant and graceful; some who move as if they were born to do so, stretching and sounding like the violin. We are of an age, as it has been said. It doesn’t seem as if any of us really know which age, but one or the other, we are certain.

I have been kind here. It is remarkable how easy it is. To refrain from judgment when judgment isn’t called for, and to enjoy whatever it is each person brings to the table. This is a good group. We all respect each other, and we all appreciate each other. I’ve been enjoying the fact that the program includes instrumentalists. I feel like I’m learning something about other aspects of music. We had a party on Saturday night to celebrate the Barber of Seville, and a number of instrumentalists showed up. I ended up skinny dipping with two violists, and a few other string players (male and female). I wasn’t ready to take off all my clothes because (a) I had just met all these people, and (b) you have to be “skinny” to really skinny dip. It was fun though. I have missed the camaraderie that comes naturally when you are around so many people constantly. I have to admit that I am overwhelmed sometimes, like now. I have been cranky today for no good reason, and it’s getting on my nerves. I’m trying not to interact with people too much, because I don’t really have anything to say today.

It’s cooling down, and I have some good music in my ear. I really need to download some trance. It calms me down in a strange, energetic way.

I’m off to a birthday party.

Paradise.

2005-06-18T15:29:00.000-05:00

I’m having such a wonderful time here. Today I went with my friends Rebecca and Janel on a hike up to a waterfall. It was stunning…it looks like a rainforest! We took the regular trail up to the waterfall, and then we scrambled and ducked our way up to the top of the waterfall. The water is so clear – it’s mountain stream water. Even the tap water here tastes like it did in Sunriver, without the chemicals. I found a beautiful quartz and granite stone with sheets of mica on it. It is so beautiful. All the rocks in the water around here are tinted red, and I wonder if there is a significant amount of iron in the water in this area. Right now I’m writing from the porch of our cabin, protected from the rain that is trickling through the trees. You can see the rain hit the surface of the lake, and all the smells of the hot earth are rising like steam from the ground. Rebecca is sitting quietly next to me, using one hand to turn pages and one hand to conduct as she listens to her role of the “beggar woman” in Sweeney Todd. Rebecca is so beautiful. She looks like a queen – tall and stately, with a rich mezzo voice that embodies everything that is good about dark chocolate. Janel is sweet too –she is absolutely tiny with a coloratura voice that is as agile as a jungle cat.

This was the beginning of our hike - Rebecca is on the left and Janel is on the right.

During my first lesson with Carlos Serrano, who is incidentally a lot like Mr. Noble, I mentioned that I really wanted to have an “open and honest dialogue” about my professional strengths and weaknesses, including my voice, my acting, and the manner in which I interact with other professionals. When I mentioned the last one he said, “Oh, you’re good at that. Worry about the other things if you’re going to worry at all. You have a way about you that is very straightforward. You came right up to me at the party on the first night and introduced yourself. You said, ‘this is who I am, this is how I’ve heard about you, and I’m really looking forward to working with you for these reasons.’ Do you know how many people introduced themselves to me?” That made me very happy – that after two days of briefly knowing me, he already judged me to be good at presenting myself in a professional manner. I made a lot of progress just in that one lesson. He combines a sort of old-school Italian technical approach with an organic body-awareness approach. We worked on my low range, and on “allowing” rather than “containing” the sound. By the end of the lesson, I was making these big rich sounds I didn’t even know I had.

I’ve gotten some very positive feedback from people here, including Kat Altobello (who studied with Alice when I did, and heard me when I was 18), and Chuck Prestonari, a coach at the New York City Opera whose opinion I trust. Kat said, “God, I just can’t believe how much your voice has blossomed. You sound beautiful.” It’s really reassuring to me to receive kudos from friends and professionals in the field. Brevard is a neat place, because (at least this year), everyone is talented, and so there is a mutual respect. According to Kat, who was here last year, the diva(o) attitudes are way less prevalent than they were last year. Yesterday I started working on “Je dis…” from Carmen, and “Signore Ascolta” from Madame Butterfly. “Je Dis…” is incredibly beautiful, and I’m so excited to be learning some new repertoire finally.

What an incredible day. The thunder is booming and magnificent, and the rain is coming down like waters going out of style. Mmmmmmm…..

Last night I went and saw “Rick Skaggs and Kentucky Thunder”, a bluegrass band. I love bluegrass music, but it definitely comes from a different culture. Rick Skaggs talked a lot between the sets about his momma’s fried chicken, how his momma was a god fearin’ Christian woman who would push you through a door and then make you fix it if you back-talked to her. He bashed Yankees a fair bit, and after a while we just couldn’t take it any more, so we went into town for a pitcher of dos equis at the local Mexican restaurant. The musicians in the band were very talented – incredibly so – but the commentary was just a little hard to handle. After our dos equis, we bought some wine and went out to the dock to chat under the stars. By “we”, I mean Rebecca, Janelle, Kat, Chuck, and myself. It was lots of fun.

On our hike today, we met a parrot named Abu. Did you know that parrots can be tickelish? This parrot was hilarious, and his owner was seriously country. After the hike, we went to a homemade ice cream shop on the river, and ate our ice cream behind the shop. There were trailers, scary smells, lots of things on the lawn, and a HUGE power tower. The tower had about five signs that said, “DANGER: HIGH VOLTAGE”, and under the town was a running hose. I’m sure it wasn’t really dangerous, but it was certainly funny.

In any case, I’m sure you’re tired of reading this mini-novel, so I’ll stop. I hope you all are doing as well in your respective locations. I love and miss everyone!.

Here are some more pics of our hiking extravaganza and of my dorm room:

The leaves are so big and magical - they make gorgeous shadows.

This is the waterfall we hiked to. Beautiful no?

Doesn't it look like a rainforest?

This is what my bunk bed looks like - I share it with Janel (the other one). I know it's not made, but whatever. You love me. Shut up.

First Pics of Brevard

2005-06-16T18:56:00.000-05:00

Here are some pics I took on the way here, as well as some I took at 7am this morning because the light was so beautiful.

The road through the mountains on the way here. (Yes, I was driving)

Looking glass waterfall - on the way here.

The lake over which our cabin looks.

The other lake and main performance space.

Same thing, as well as the building across from the cafeteria.

Our practice rooms.

It is so beautiful here. I feel like I'm at a mountain retreat. It's not nearly as humid as Indiana, surprisingly, although it is as hot. It's a dream.

Places I've Visited (thanks Matt)

2005-06-16T06:23:00.000-05:00

create your own visited country map
or check our Venice travel guide

create your own personalized map of the USA
or check out ourCalifornia travel guide

create your personalized map of europe
or check out our Barcelona travel guide

Brevard!

2005-06-16T05:35:00.000-05:00

Last night the hustle and bustle just became too much, and I crashed at 7:30pm. The benefit of this arangement is that I am awake at 6am, and can enjoy this beautiful honey-scented morning in peace. It is incredible here. I almost cried when I hit the mountains - the rolling expanse of delicious green and light air. The mountains remind me of home - driving up and down windy roads in second gear, being cold at night and hot during the day, living in a cabin in the woods that overlooks a lake. There are cold streams and lakes from which steam rises in the cool morning air.

I'm not too busy yet, since rehearsals for my opera don't start until later. We are working on Barber of Seville and HMS Pinafore right now, so I have some time to get my work study done. I am required to work 24 hours in the nurse's office, the office, or the opera workshop to "pay off" my scholarship of $1500. I was assigned to opera workshop, which means I'll be painting sets, making props, helping with lighting, wigs, makeup, and working on costumes. I'm going to try and get all of it done in the next 2 weeks, so that I don't have to do any for the rest of the time.

The people here are so friendly. It's always a toss-up when 40 attention-hungry people with dominant personalities work and live together, but we have a really good group. I live in a 2-story dorm style cabin that overlooks a lake. There are 9 girls on my floor, all of whom are talented and sweet. I don't think I've ever been around so many talented people. It really gives me something to aspire towards. I am competitive however. I think that I'm the only undergraduate with a title role, which is really exciting for me. Also, my cast-mates are heavy hitters. Aeneas and the Sorceress are the only two people in the program with two leads (Figaro and Rosina in Barber of Seville), which means they're good. I hope I can keep up!

I had my first lesson yesterday with Carlos Serrano, who teaches during the year at AVA (the American Vocal Academy) in Philly. He's a great person to know - he knows everyone (including Tim Noble), and he teaches at a very competitive school. I really enjoyed my lesson. He's a very fun, masculine, hearty kind of guy - like Mr. Noble - and he's fun to work with. He's puerto rican, and has a GREAT baritone voice. His teaching style combines classic technique (chiaro scuro, breathing, vowel modification) with a really organic, body-conscious method. I made a lot of progress, and by the end of the lesson, I had this lovely rich voice coming out of my body. It's so incredible when you learn to create sounds you didn't know were inside you.

In any case, that's all for now. I love all of you, and I'm thinking of you as the sun slowly slinks it's way towards me over the trees. Have a great day!

Teehee.

2005-06-12T00:18:00.000-05:00

"A Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you mean your mother."

~Anonymous

I'm in the middle of watching the movie "Secretary", which has Maggie Gyllenhal and is about a dominant/submissive relationship. It is such a beautiful movie - sexy without being degrading or explicit. Even if its not your cup of tea, it's certainly an interesting exploration of human nature. Maggie Gyllenhal is a talented actress, and she carries of the self-hatred of an insecure young woman with finesse. It's not a "She's All That" kind of story, with a stunning actress they make look ugly so they can make her over in the movie. This works, so see it.

You should also see "Crash", which is INCREDIBLE. The guy who directed Crash also wrote the screenplay for "Million Dollar Baby". I can't wait to see what he comes out with next.

I have no willpower, whatsoever

2005-06-11T19:39:00.000-05:00

So, last night I had a gin and tonic, a glass of wine, a guiness, and a woodchuck.

I guess by "I'm not drinking anymore", I actually meant, "I'm not drinking anything except the above mentioned items in moderation."

It was four drinks over 6 hours, and I think that's ok. I only drink one or two days a week, and not every week, so this will be fine.

And. I'm taking my vitamins.

I am glad I went out though. It ended up being a lot of fun, and my night was greatly improved by the decision. I went out with Meg and Adam and 3 guys they're friends with: Mac, Mark, and Sam. They were all great, and I really got along with them. I want those two to be friends with me my whole life - they are so much fun, and I love everyone I meet through them. I felt fine when I woke up, and my body wasn't screaming at me for drinking in excess. I just had fun, laughed a lot, played pool, and made more wrinkles. :)

It was a party, kind of like this:

(well, at least in the ratio of men to women...maybe not so much? Yeah, you're right.)

Ok - now back to my paper about synergies, communciation technology, Marxist and Gramscian communication theory, different types of integration, and satellite television. I'm almost there. YEAH!

Ugh.

2005-06-10T10:43:00.000-05:00

I can't keep doing this to myself.

I feel awful right now. I feel wretched. I'm still drunk from last night.
What happened to being impenetrable?
What happened to being able to go "all night long baby, yeah!"
I'm 21.
And my body feels old.

You know, when I used to gain weight, I would just stop eating for a while. I mean, not literally, but the cutback wasn't hard. And when I wanted to stop drinking, I did it for a year without a problem. Now I barely have the willpower to be a vegetarian. WTF? Seriously, WTF.

So, I think this is it.
I think I have to make a decision.
I have to commit to health.
I have to commit to eat well, and to not treat my body like he filter in my Brita.
I should be nice to it so it's nice to me.
I'm a singer - I NEED it to be nice to me.

Alright - you stand witness.
I will stop drinking from this day, June 10th 2005, until the New Years Eve.

No more of this:
(The gin, dumbass, not the woman)

And definately no more of these, which are evil on my body.

(An appletini)

God I feel gross.
Ugh.

I'll write a more postive blog when I'm less nauseated. :)

Sunday

2005-06-09T20:33:00.000-05:00

Sunday is a beginning for me. It's the physical manifestation of the beginning of a journey for which I'm been preparing for years. It's the beginning of a dream. It's the end of a drought. I feel like I have achieved a number of things in university for which I am proud. I get good grades. I don't do drugs. I don't sleep around. Most importantly, I think I have learned a few relatively crucial things about myself. I am a better person than I was four years ago - equally valid, but a better person.

But I'm nervous.

I'm nervous I won't make my parents proud, I won't make my best friend proud, and I - most importantly - that I won't make myself proud. I want to live up to my own standards. I have faith in my voice, in my talent, but I'm worried that I will trip myself up. There have been so many times that I couldn't done better, but didn't own of sheer laziness, or by just not paying attention. I'm sure I'm not the only person who has these fears - I know we are all fallible. But there are going to be a lot of older singers at this thing. I am going to be a younger singer with a lead, and I don't know if I have the suavity to handle that situation with grace and not end up with a resentful cast. I mean, I'm not planning on bragging - that would be senseless, but I'm afraid they won't think my voice or performance in general makes up for the age deficit. I hope that I can do everything in my power, intelligence, talent, and ability to make myself proud, my parents proud, and Sammy proud.

Anyway, I'm babbing.
I just hope it will all work out.

Non Sequitor

2005-06-09T18:17:00.000-05:00

A GREAT comparison on West Wing. Here's an analogy for you.

Islamic Extremist IS>TO Islam

AS...

The KKK IS>TO CHRISTIANITY

Ok, here's where the non sequitor comes in:

So I love shoes. I mean, I really love shoes. I mean, if I don't get shoes on a regular basis, I will stomp my feet, I will wail, I might bloat, block traffic, and become highly erratic in the manner of a small hyperactive child...or at least I would be like a small child were I not bloated from shoe withdrawl. My love of shoes is why I love this guy:

Manolo Blahnik His shop in London (1998)

His shop in London (1998)

He also has great drawings

The moral of this story? My birthday is in 2 months...are you ready?

Control Room

2005-06-09T00:00:00.000-05:00

It's midnight, and I'm sitting in my living room watching the credits of one of the most incredible documentaries I have ever seen. I watched it as part of my research for my global media presentation on Al Jazeera, the Arab network out of Qatar. The movie is Control Room, by director Jehane Noujaim, and if you haven't seen it, you MUST see it. I'm so angry, saddened, and disenchanted with my government that I don't think I really have the energy to describe the film in detail. Just watch it. You can learn about it at www.controlroommovie.com.

There are so many quotes from this movie that are shocking, but one small thing that really struck me was a comment by an Al Jazeera correspondent:

"This war is like an American movie. You know the ending. You know the hero. You know the bad guys are going to die. But you watch it anyway - to see what weapons they use, to see how they're going to do it."

Our patriotic liberation movement is a laughing matter in Iraq. As one injured civilian said, “Is this Bush’ s idea of freedom? Is this Bush’s democratic solution for the Arab and Islamic people? Do I have to pay for his democracy with six lives? I don’t want this freedom. I don’t want this democracy. My brother and his children are dead. Here I am, drenched in blood to prove it.”

Oh, and did you know Americans bombed the Al Jazeera office in Baghdad, killing one correspondent. The "investigation" said that the soldiers were responding to enemy fire in self -defense. This went against what every eye-witness said, and there are many videos of a plane dropping the bombs - not a group of soldiers firing. Al Jazeera was not firing on anyone - they're media. This is on tape, not someone's word. When journalists asked the American military what they could do to protect themselves from being targeted by American planes, it responded, "It's a dangerous place. You shouldn't be here." And no one would house the journalists after that, because they were assumed to be American military targets. The media. If that doesn't qualify as censorship, I don't know what does.

This isn't like Farenheit 9-11. It's not intended to be inflammatory. It is by a well-respected Egyptian director who simply wanted to record what was going on. It's intelligently presented, and you should watch it. Just do.

Oh Lord.

2005-06-08T01:53:00.000-05:00

I almost totally fucked up the Brevard thing. I somehow managed to totally overlook the fact that Janiec Opera Company members are supposed to arrive on the THIRTEENTH not, in fact, the TWENTY-THIRD. Crucial digit here:

1.3.
NOT
2.3.

Yikes. I would have arrived a week and a half late to my first lead role! AHHHHHHHHHH! Praise God I realized in time!

So I'm leaving this Saturday to have an early Birthday celebration with my gal Sammy, and then I'm driving to North Carolina on Sunday. Here's the thing: my finals are next week. Well, they were next week anyway. I managed to move one presentation to this week, get an extra-credit project assigned to make up for missed participation next week, and have an early final this weekend. That's makes this week's tally: 200 pgs. in reading, 2 presentations, one extra-credit project, one paper, 5 forum responses, an in-class activity, and an early final. AHHHH! Luckily my human reproduction teacher is letting me take an incomplete and take the final in August. Otherwise, well...I'd kill myself.

It's all figured out though - I didn't waste $5000 of my parents money for summer school, I've memorized the music in a much shorter time period than I originally thought I would be able to, my voice sounds good, and I won't miss my finals.

All in a day's work, as they say.

So here's where I'm going, in case any of you are curious:

Apparently white squirrels are unique to this area:

And "this area" looks like this:

It's supposed to be BEAUTIFUL. It's too bad it's so fucking hot and humid. Whatever. I HAVE A LEAD ROLE!

Oh Photoshop...here I come!

2005-06-06T02:22:00.000-05:00

and then from THIS:

(a photo I took in Bryce Canyon, 2 summers ago)

to THIS:

This One's for You, Matt...

2005-06-05T16:18:00.000-05:00

Silver Shoes

2005-06-05T02:46:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning
wearing nothing but
my underwear and
a string of pearls
and I thought to myself
"I should have sex last night."
and then I thought
"Did I?"

I didn't but
when was the last time you
wore a strand of pearls?

When was the last time you
woke up
fabulous?
With something beautiful
to look at in the
mirror
other than your
own.
naked.
body.

I had a dream
where my dad was
asking me to dance
there was a rave
up the alley
and I had silver shoes
I hit my cat in the
face
with the door
when I dreamed
and I woke up and
I looked for her
to console her
for hitting her
in the dream-face.

I don't really have any silver shoes.

Great Compliments:

2005-06-04T21:45:00.000-05:00

Me: "Thank you for loving me."
Anon: "I don't think I had much of a choice."

What an sweet thing to say - an amazing idea. It's so hard to grasp - that a person could be so deeply and unavoidably loveable. That a body could love another body despite all their faults and mistakes and misunderstandings. I think that, next to the feeling of freedom I experienced in Paris, this is the most beautiful feeling I've ever had.

Anon: "You know what my favorite thing is about you?"
Me: "What?"
Anon: "You think like a poet."

I like that.
The person who said it is, um, not at ALL my type, but it was a very nice thing to say.

On a totally unrelated subject, these are some seriously cute (and strange looking) cats! (They're not mine, for reference - just some Abyssinian kitties I found online.)

My Cats are Movie Stars

2005-06-02T19:18:00.000-05:00

Samantha and I have just decided the name of the daytime drama in which Olivia and Memphis are principals:

THE YOUNG AND THE CATNIPLESS.

The daring drama that explores the boundaries of feline feeling. From wrestling each other off the cat tree to blissing-out on the CatSpa, these cats live a full life. They will challenge your expectations of what it is to be a cat in the modern world. Stereotypes will be deftly unravelled - cats do not, for example, always land on their feet. It is an image cat activists have fought for years, especially on the part of cats who have been traumatized by labels of "clumsy" and "unnatural". This bold program will have you on the edge of your seat for the whole hour. They are beautiful, they are mischievious, they are graceful, they are devious. They are: they young and the catnipless.

Cats may not have nine lives, but this show certainly will.

YAY! MY BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD IS HERE!

2005-06-02T19:08:00.000-05:00

Ok - so I love this girl so much I can't even deal with it. I have never laughed harder, made less sense, made more sense, and been so happy. OH! OH! OH!

arriba. para llevar. vamanos. manana!

(She's a love pirate. Don't you doubt it.)

I didn't expect you

2005-06-01T10:11:00.000-05:00

(I had this poem in my head at 3am last night, and had to disturb my Memphis to scrawl it in a bedside journal in the dark. Then I could sleep, with the words out of my mind)

I didn't expect you to come back
I didn't expect you to love me
I never meant for you to lose
I just didn't know it was a game

Now you only bring me
damaged words
I feel like I've broken
something
is missing
I'm at a loss for black and white
I cannot tell what's right

When did it become so hard
to laugh
When did it become to hard
to tell the truth
to say
I'm angry with
you
don't respect me
but I still loved you.
I do.

You took something from me
I wasted your trust
I abused our potential
You never owned up
but
What does it matter
the end has long since
passed
but I can still smell you
and I'm not convinced

The end has long since
passed
but I'm not convinced.
You're gone.

You Need To Learn More About Mercury.

2005-06-01T02:19:00.000-05:00

I have been doing a lot of reading tonight about the danger of mercury - especially when it's found in the form methylmercury. According to a recent study by the EPA, 100% of fish studied contained Mercury, and 76% of predator fish (those at the top of the food chain) have levels that exceed the EPA's "safe limit" for children under 3. I had no idea that mercury was so prevalent in the United States, a country known for being a bastion of safe-standards. The mercury is coming from coal-powered power plants, which are "by far the nation's largest unregulated source of mercury emissions, contributing 41% of all U.S. mercury emissions" ("Reel Danger: Power Plant Mercury Pollution and the Fish We Eat").

According to this same article, "In January 2004, the Bush administration issued a severely flawed proposal for regulating mrecury from power plands. EPA's proposal, which falls far short of what the Clean Air Act requires, would delay even modest reductions in mercury emissions from power plants until after 2025. In contrast, the Clean Air Act calls for the maximum achievable reductions by 2008."

Some argue that the jobs and power provided by coal-powered plants is worth the damage we are doing to the environment and to ourselves, but don't be fooled - we're not doing ourselves any favors. Mercury (especially in the form methylmercury) affects the central nervous system, and can cause painful numbing in the extremities, slurred speech, paralysis, and severe psycological defects. Most frightening of all, fetuses have NO TOXIC THRESHOLD. In other words, while adults are safe as long as they are not exposed to the toxin above a certain level, fetuses exposed to ANY LEVEL of the toxin have the possibility of developing a deformity. If introduced to the fetus between months 4-6 (of gestation), the fetus can develop congenital defects that include flipper-like twisted limbs, the absence of limbs or limbs growing from inappropriate places, blindness, deafness, severe mental retardation, and paralysis (as well as a number of other defects).

Sandra Steingraber, the author of the following book, discusses this (and other) cause(s) of congenital defects:

The problem is most evident in fish, according to Steingraber, because "toxic substances can concentrate to extraordinary levels because food chains are longer than they are on land. (The buoyancy of water allows aquatic organisms to survive on comparatively fewer calories than their gravity-bound, terrestrial coutnerparts. Because they spend lss energy holding themselves up, the transfer of energy from one link of the chain to the next is more efficient. With less energy lost between links, more links can be added.) In the case of Minamata [a famous and tragic story that first alerted the world to the dangers of Mercury], mercury levels in the flesh of the fishes hauled onto the decks of the fishing boats were mor ethan a million times higher than that of the water they swam in."

This fact is why it is so alarming that, according to the study referenced above, "80% of the predator fish samples contained mercury levels exceeding EPA's safe limit for women. In 18 states [including INDIANA], 100% of the predator fish samples exceeded this limit."

The link below is to a summary of this study, as well as a link to the actual article, which was published in August 2004 by the U.S. Public Interest Research Group Education Fund.

http://www.cleartheair.org/proactive/newsroom/release.vtml?id=25681

It is worth looking at. The following image was taken by W. Eugene Smith in 1975 as a part of his photo-essay, "Minamata: Words and Photos" that was published in Life Magazine. This was the picture that shocked the world and spread the word about the dangers of methylmercury. It is of a mother and her disfigured and mentally-retarded daughter, Tomoko, who died two years after this portrait was taken. The photo was taken to recall Michelangelo's sculpture, "pieta", of Mary cradling the body of Christ. (The following picture is of the sculpture, for comparison. It is a poignant and powerful connection).

In conclusion: if you are pregnant, or know anyone who is pregnant, please don't (or tell them not to) eat fish!

More Useless Information Courtesy of Yours Truly

2005-06-01T00:43:00.000-05:00

Did you know that the red and blue striped barber pole originates from the image of the umbilical chord, with its pale color and spiraling red and blue vessels? The symbolism (symbology anyone?) refers to medieval barber-surgeons. Talk about Sweeney-Todd!

P.S. If you didn't understand my reference to Sweeney Todd, please refer to the following webpages:

http://www.crimelibrary.com/serial9/sweeney/
http://www.sondheim.com/shows/sweeney_todd/

From the latter comes this brief synopsis of my all time favorite musical:

"Based on Christopher Bond's retelling of the Victorian pennydreadful The String of Pearls, (which was itself a retelling of a British myth, possibly rooted in truth) this musical (with a book by Hugh Wheeler) tells the tale of Sweeney Todd, a murderous barber, and his partner in crime, Nellie Lovett, a baker who disposes of the bodies by baking them into her pies. Meanwhile, Anthony Hope, a sailor who saved Todd's life, falls in love with Todd's estranged daughter, Johanna, who is being brought up as the ward of the twisted Judge Turpin. Includes the songs "Not While I'm Around," "Pretty Women," and "A Little Priest.""

A good funny :)

2005-05-31T14:21:00.000-05:00

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him,
"You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear.
Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says,
"Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

(My dad sent me this joke. God bless him. :) )

So FUCKING CUTE!

2005-05-30T23:44:00.000-05:00

I finally got one of her yawning! Wasn't it worth the wait?

They should have their own daytime drama.

Wazzup? I'm just chillin' in the sun. Yo.

She's praying for you. Yeah. YOU. You better knock it off.

Oh MEMphis!

2005-05-30T15:21:00.000-05:00

This is what I wake up to in the morning. This, and a hearty "MMMRRRRROOOOWWW"!

heehee. She's the best.

(well, not better than you Sammy, but only if you come down tonight. :) )

Memory

2005-05-30T15:01:00.000-05:00

Baby baby
why don't you come right over
pull me out of this dream
make me laugh and stumble
and wonder
why are we getting along
why hasn't something gone wrong
I can live with this
There seems to be a lot less
expectation
We set some rules and now there's less
confrontation
I need respect
and I told you that
and you said ok
you said ok
why didn't I tell you before
that I didn't want to know about
her
it's alright, it's your thing
but I don't want to know about
her
It's funny because
you're still mine
in my mind
and I don't want you anymore
but then you're here
and your arms are so warm
and I know you so well
and it's so easy to fall into that
embrace
I said,
"I wish they could bottle this feeling"
I said,
"You could take a shot of snuggle
every time you're feeing down."
And you smiled,
and put your face in my hair
my long hair
and you took a deep breath
and I could hear your love
I could hear you wishing that we
worked
we don't
but it's a sweet sentiment
I get caught up in it too
especially when you
breathe into my
long
long hair
and I can hear your love
for me
your love for me
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind
That I wrote down in words
How wonderful life is
now you're in my world.

Just an update...

2005-05-30T01:02:00.000-05:00

I had a great weekend. And it's not even over! My weekend went like this:

FRIDAY: sleep through classes. Get up at 3pm (!). Leisurely take a shower and get dressed. Go to the car wash (woo!). Come home and relax for a while. Watch "Les Choristes," a delightful French movie. Go out with Allison, James Lesniak, Nelson, Mary Michelle, and Margie. We went to Scotties (2 pints), Uncle E's (a double tall g&t, a large amaretto sour), and Bull's (a g&t, vodka tonic, and 2 tequila shots - it was Adam's bday). I had a great night all around. Got in some good dancing, some great socializing and friend-catching-up-ing, and, well...just a good night. :)

SATURDAY: Woke up feeling like I had slept with an anvil on my head and a gremlin in my stomach. Proceded to take 3 Advil and 4 glasses of lemonade. Much better. Went to Steak and Shake for cheese fries to go (mmmmm....)(to go because it felt like sacriledge without you there Sammy). Walked around campus for a little while, and then went to see several friends in a Baroque concert: The Passion According to St. John. Enjoyed it immensely, despite having to keep myself from falling asleep (SOOOOOO Tired!). Went to lunch with several music friends, and performers in the concert. Discussed the three tiers of a musician's salary: Tier One - you have to PAY THEM to perform; Tier Two - you perform for FREE; Tier Three - you are actually PAID to perform, and after travel/hotel/time involved, you come out even (aka: you perform for slightly less FREE). *sigh* It's a good thing music is so freaking cool, or it just wouldn 't be worth it. :) After lunch, went home to take a nap, during which 4 people called me in 30 minutes. Grump. Then went to a WONDERFUL recital by Chris Judd - Purcell, Britten, and Schumann's "Dichterliebe", a scrumptious cycle. Friends and family then moved to Chris' house for chatting, mini quieches, and CREAM PUFFS. Holy Jesus - cream puffs. Stayed there until about 1am, then went to Bulls to dance off the cream puffs. I couldn't really get my dancing feet under me though, so I left after about 45 mins. Went to sleep, and fell HARD. Mmmmmm....good deep sleep.

SUNDAY: Slept until 2pm. Got up, showered (with my new showerhead...praise the LORD for water pressure!), relaxed. Got to talk to Chris for a while, and FINALLY got ahold of Erin C. I love that woman. Studied Dido for a while, then went to Kevin's house with Chris and Tammy to watch the SVU marathon and chat. Came home, and Tony came over, and it was good. That's always nice, since it's not always good. I'm excited about learning music tomorrow. I also have to study for an exam that I'm taking, but I feel well rested and generally motivated.

Night all.
:)

A simple question...

2005-05-25T20:55:00.000-05:00

I am:

Why, then, am I here:

and not here?

Or here?

Or, at the very least, here:

HMPH.

Indy Pride Festival!

2005-05-25T15:03:00.000-05:00

I didn't know Indianapolis even HAD a pride festival. Sammy - you're coming with me. Here's the scoop:

Indy Pride Festival at gayindy.org

WooHoo!

Down with THIS:

Up with THIS:

(You know, in retrospect, this was a poor image choice. What does aquatic life have to do with being gay? We both have gills? No, that's not it. Yeah, I should change the pic.)

Although some might argue:

But what the hell, let's PARTY!

(Just as a sidenote, I thought I'd mention that McCulay Culkin came up more often than anything else when I image searched "lesbian party") :)

Ok, so this is just funny...

2005-05-25T03:22:00.000-05:00

An introspective moment and a shameless plug.

2005-05-25T01:35:00.000-05:00

You know what? I'm proud of this blog. I just re-read a bunch of the entries, and I feel as if I have articulately rendered several interesting ideas. They may only be interesting to me, but I think this will be a valuable journal to look back on. It is a forum for my curiosity, and I love to explore. Hmmm...anyhoo.

Oh, and I just started a new blog, "Isolated Imagination" that is just for pictures. The link is on the right, so if you're eyes are getting blurry from reading tiny green print on a black background, allow your eyes a little restorative therapy on this page.

Just in case you can't find the link:
http://isolatedimagination.blogspot.com

My cats are SO happy! (and a little Latin-American terminology)

2005-05-24T22:32:00.000-05:00

DAMNIT! I just wrote an entire, and relatively articulate, blog, and it got DELETED. Grrr... Ok, well I'm going to try again, but don't hold my impatient grammar against me. :)

Today I decided to treat my cats by buying them the "Cat Spa". This lovely device has a variety of textures for them to rub against, chew on, and get generally blissed-out about. In the center, there is a little crater where you can put catnip. The cats access to the catnip is, however, impeded by a "gum-stimulator". Trying to get to the catnip drives them crazy, and they love it! I'm so happy they enjoy it, because being cats - and therefore naturally finicky - I wasn't sure they would embrace the "Cat Spa" concept. But they have - Oh they have! This is what it looks like:

On an interesting, but totally unrelated topic, did you know that people of Latin-American and Mexican-American descent prefer the term "Latina/o" to the term "Hispanic". I have always been led to believe that "Hispanic" is the more appropriate, P.C., and inoffensive term, but this is not the case for several reasons. First of all, the term "Hispanic" is one that was given to the Latin-American demographic by the American government without regard to ethnicity, heritage, or history. It simply means "spanish-speaking", and it disregards the variety of languages and dialects that are spoken by the demographic. It also implies that they are "Spanish", and since the Spanish invaded and conquered their continent, this is not a connotation they embrace.

It is also not a very appealing term because of the purpose of it's origination. It was coined by the U.S. government during the civil rights movement - in particular the de-segregation of schools - in order to provide a loophole in the system. "Hispanics" were considered on the "white" half of the American black/white racial dichotomy, allowing African-American children to be sent to "Hispanic" schools rather than "White/Caucasian" schools. Latinos have consistently been marginalized and made invisible by the American definition of minorities that only considers black and white races, and therefore are not interested in identifying with a term that perpetuates this paradigm.

They prefer the term "Latina/o" because (1) it orginated from their community and culture, (2) it embraces a variety of ethnicities, heritages, and histories, and (3) it was not given to them by the (oppressive) American government for a negative reason. In any case, I just thought it was an interesting point.

An Aztec Image

One reason the black/white racial dichtomy is invalid

While I'm on the subject...

2005-05-24T02:47:00.000-05:00

Just one other thing I wanted to rant about.

I was driving to Indy the other day, and a woman with a "Support our Troops" magnet ribbon on her car honked at me and gave me the finger. I'm assuming this was because of my "Practice Abstinence in 2004: No Bush. No Dick" bumper sticker. Here's what bugs me: since when does patriotism indicate that you have support EVERY ASPECT/ACTION OF YOUR GOVERNMENT? Just because I'm against the war in Iraq doesn't mean I don't support our troops. It's not their fault, and I certainly don't want them to die! I'm saddened by their unnecessary deaths and hope that they return to their friends and families as soon as possible. But I still don't support Bush.

As Thomas Jefferson said:

We are, after all, a nation founded on the principle of dissent. This makes sense doesn't it? I swear our country has gone crazy.

Mass Media and Intercultural Stereotypes

2005-05-24T02:24:00.000-05:00

I am responding to the article “Acculturation, Communication, and the U.S. Media: the Experience of an Iranian Immigrant.” This article examines “the relationship between media messages and interpersonal communication.” The article is autobiographical, focusing on the author’s experience as an Iranian immigrant in the late 1970s. Keshishian discusses the alienation causes by culture shock, homesickness, and language unfamiliarity. She also describes how the media intensified that alienation by presenting the American public with oversimplified images of Iranian culture. In general, Keshishian presents the idea that negative projections of international cultures by mass media have a damaging and long-term effect on the international and intercultural communication – within and outside of the U.S.

I particularly drawn to Keshishian’s statement, “How was I supposed to trust, much less to adapt to, a host culture that distrusted me?” This is a fair, and I believe overlooked, point. It reminded me of Brett’s argument that we should implement a policy of “making friends out of enemies” as part of a program to slow down terrorism in the U.S. The stereotypes that have been applied, indiscriminately, to all middle-eastern people may have arisen from a negative event or interaction, but they do not apply to all people of middle-eastern descent. With this in mind, I think it’s important that we question our biases. If you speak the word “terrorist” to yourself right now, what image comes to mind? Is it a dark-skinned man wearing a turban?

(This is what came up when I image-searched "Terrorist". Case in point.)

These images may come from September 11th, and in that way are valid, but they should not be used as weapons of discrimination. Just as I do not want to be lumped into the stereotype of aggressive, ignorant, gun-wielding Americans, all Iranians, Iraqis, or other people of middle-eastern descent do not want (or deserve) to be automatically labeled terrorists.

(The shirt I should have had in Europe)

Being lumped into these stereotypes has an alienating effect on immigrants - not only in the sense that they feel outsiders in our culture, but in the sense they they too are affected by our media, resulting in an alienation from their own culture. The author mentioned this, saying, "The image the U.S. media protrayed of my homeland was so negative and alienating that it began to even make me wonder whether I still belonged to the Iranian culture." This is a concept that initially seemed foreign - the inability to feel at home with my own culture - but then I realized that when I was travelling in Europe last summer, I was often tempted to identify as "Canadian" in order to avoid the perceptual backlash that their media had created.

None of this is to say that countries and their citizens cannot disagree with the policies or actions of the other, but rather to point out that the people and the government are not the same entity. The terrorist faction and the immigrants are also not the same entity.

(Just wanted to make it clear that the person (me) and the government (Bush) are not of the same mind)

As Gumpert and Cathcart (1982) state, “our awareness and knowledge of other countries is dependent heavily upon our contact with media images of foreigners.” Gudykunst and Kim (1997) further this argument by saying, “The mass media, particularly the new media, affect the public emotional mood about target groups, leading to social segregation and discrimination.” The media is certainly a useful tool, but let it not be assumed, simply because America has the benefit of “free press”, that the messages and images presented for public consumption are without ideological or political purpose. They are not only harmful, they are long-lasting. Keshishian mentions, as one example, a time when a colleague of hers jokingly recommended that she threaten "Iranian terrorists" in order to be considered for a tenure-track position. This kind of comment is clearly reprehensible, if all too common. Many of the immigrants, students and otherwise, have come to the U.S. because there is something in our culture that they admire and want to be a part of – be it capitalism, freedom of religion, or excellent education. I think we should simply be careful to earn the respect they have shown us by coming here, and not punish them. I'm not suggesting we be ignorant, or naïve –just careful to realize that stereotypes are just that: generalizations that do not apply to the majority of people whom they target.

DOES NOT EQUAL

P.S.

2005-05-24T01:05:00.000-05:00

Did I mention I'm going veggie again?

Don't these look appetizing? No? How about these...

Seeing as how I'm in the Midwest, I wanted to make sure that all readers were clear about what I meant when I said "going veggie". It means I'm going to be a vegetarian. Still unclear? It means I can eat the following things:

Ok, now we're on the same page? Awesome.

Beautiful Tonight

2005-05-24T00:28:00.000-05:00

I feel beautiful tonight
and I don't know what it is about
these moods
when ecstacy is abundant
and like air
I breathe it in
I expand my lungs
I expand my consciousness
and I feel like I'm in Paris
I can smell the avocado in my hair
I can sense that it's
ok
it will always be
ok
music winds around me
and sticks
like pollen in my hair
and it gives me that feeling
like I have to sneeze
but I can't
and that makes me smile
like sunshine
which also makes me sneeze
and also makes me smile
They say it takes 7 muscles to smile
and almost 100 to frown
I'm sure that's an exaggeration
but who cares
I love the idea
that it is easier to lift
than to push down
it is simpler to live
than to struggle
It is more natural to believe
than to deny faith
and I believe in God
my God
not the God
and I believe in me
right now
and because of that
because of all of that
sneezing
and smiling
and struggling
and life
and faith
and me
because of this, and you, and now,
and the fact that everything is
ok
because of that
I feel beautiful.

The Dogs I will own in New York

2005-05-23T21:07:00.000-05:00

and of course...

Things to remember...

2005-05-22T15:44:00.000-05:00

"You know, beyond boys beyond drama queens, THEY are the ones thinking about their tocks clicking. Wait...clocks ticking. Fucking tocks. I hate it when they click!"

"Boys are just stupid before they're 30" (Sorry Matt, there's no way around it).

"I should get some good big belts to wear with my skirts. They're so stunky and fylish...wait...DAMNIT!"

Stunky?

Ewwww...

P.S. Me, New York, Black and White Great Dane, French Bulldog (aka Bat).

OH MY GOD!!

2005-05-17T01:07:00.000-05:00

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the divine Mme. Eva Green. She's French. I'm in love.

Hoorah for International People!

2005-05-16T23:41:00.002-05:00

I talked to my friend Aldo this evening for about an hour, and I'm so happy that I did. He always inspires me to be a better version of myself. I love the world he moves in, and that he has friends and clients in so many countries - so many languages. I aspire to be worldly like that. It is when I feel most successful, when my mind is most engaged, and when I am happiest - when I can employ all my talents. I am a beautiful woman, a good businessperson, a talented singer, and an intelligent individual, and I am proud of myself for achieving my dream thus far. For getting multiple degrees in fields that will allow me to be the person I am happiest being. A person with a constantly changing life, one that reinvigorates me and regularly challenges me to use all of my facilities. I've never been able to imagine myself with a "day-job". Going to the same job, in the same building, at the same time, every day of my life...I can't imagine anything worse. It would be like chinese water torture. It would be a slow death. I don't think I'm better than all the people who do work regular day jobs, and I know that all the details of running a civilization require that a great number of people have that function, but that will never be me. So far, I have had the talent to work things out for myself. I think the trick is that I won't accept anything less.

I refuse to be ordinary.

I want to travel. I want to live my life, and meet fascinating people. I want to learn about other cultures. I want to be able to communicate with people who I might not otherwise know because I can speak their language. I want to bring something special to people's lives. I think that maybe everyone has these dreams. I have faith that I will achieve them. For my family, for my friends, and most of all - for myself.

Aldo is such a sweetheart. He has offered to help me find a job when I move to New York, and as he doesn't generally offer his time or help lightheartedly, I believe he'll follow through. I'm really grateful to find a friend in Aldo - someone with whom I've spent so little time, and who has so generously offered me genuine compassion. He just finished producing/directing a documentary, and when I offered tonight to lend him a hand with his website if he were interested, he told me to listen to the narration in the documentary. He said that, having listened to the narration, if I thought I could write something like that, he would send me a text which I would be required to reduce to 20 lines for the preview of the second part of the documentary. As a test, he would offer me this job! It makes me so nervous, but also so excited. I know I have it in me to be a good writer, but I'm not inherently a good writer. My skills could certainly be honed. But what if he liked it? He has offered to help me find a position, potentially, as a personal assistant. I'm very organized, and I think I would be good at it. It would be a lot of responsibility.

How does one learn to be that responsible? Is it natural? I have felt my entire life that I have to fight a tendency towards laziness, but when I tell my friends that, they say, "Colleen, you're getting a BM in voice, a BA in international studies, and a minor in W. European studies. You're doing in 5 years, and you still have a social life. Clearly, you're not lazy." It still makes me nervous though, because I feel as though classes are of a certain format, and once you learn the rules to the format, you can learn to bend them. I suppose that jobs are like that too. Nearly all rules are bendable once you learn the system. Is that cheating? Or is that simply survival? I don't want to "just cut it", or "just get by". I want to be exceptional. Can the two exist simultaneously? Does bending the rules simply allow me more time to devote to personal creativity and the development of a small accumulation of extraordinary efforts? In any case, I'm going to try. I am going to challenge myself to do this. I will also get better, IMMEDIATELY, so that I can learn the bloody opera in which I have a lead role. I WILL be prepared.

You know, I really have had the best four days in recent memory. How great.

Gender, Communication, and Stereotype

2005-05-16T18:18:00.000-05:00

In this blog, I am responding to Becky Mulvaney's article, "Gender Differences in Communication: An Intercultural Experience." This article was particularly illuminating, as it brought to light several concerns in gender communication that I hadn’t previously considered. Muulvaney approaches the topic from an academic standpoint: by describing the scholarly definitions of communication (both epistemic and axiological), and the nature of intercultural communication (communication between cultures with varying worldviews, language usage, and proxemics, for example). Her theory is that, since males and females are really sub- or co-cultres in the dominant (American) culture, our communication should be treated as intercultural,. As such, the obstacles considered inherent in intercultural communication should apply to the communication between the genders.

The obstacles to intercultural communication, as described by Laray Barna, are (1) assumed similarity, (2) language, (3) nonverbal misinterpretations, (4) preconceptions and stereotypes, (5) tendency to evaluate, and (6) high anxiety. In other words, women and men have very different worldviews, language usage and proxemics, and should therefore be aware that any assumption of similarity based on coincidence of ethnicity, nationality, or language are not complete interpretations. Both genders should be careful, therefore, to not limit or damage their attempted communication through assumptions of similarity (both are American), language (both speak English), or through preconceptions and stereotypes (women are irrational, men can't communicate).

I found this article fascinating, as it provides a more intelligent perspective on the trendy “Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus” outlook on the genders. Where I think Mulvaney falls short, however, is in limiting the genders to the two sexes. I think that homosexual, bisexual, and perhaps other subdivisions of gender should be considered when discussing the intercultural communication between genders. If Laray Barna’s six stumbling blocks of intercultural communication were observed in the case of all gender relations, I think a great deal of the tension between the multiple subcultures might be at least partially relieved. For example, it is no more useful to assume that all gay men are effeminate and uber-stylish than it is to assume all straight men are aggressive, violent, and love sports. There is a popular expression, “all stereotypes are based on truth.” This may have some validity, but I think the nature of “truth” should be brought into question. As Mulvaney mentions, Protagoras argued that there is no absolute truth, and that “truth is socially constructed through language and other symbol systems.”

Mulvaney’s second assumption about communication – that it is value-laden - also applies here. As she states, "No language is neutral. Indeed, any use of communication exhibits an attitude, and an attitude implies an act, and all human actions have moral consequences." Therefore, if “communication is…the process by which we learn to be male or female" (Arliss), and the “truth” of what it is to be male or female is socially constructed, then the “truth” on which we base our gender stereotypes has no foundation other than a cultural construct. In other words, we learn to how to be male or female through communication, so it is just as valid (or invalid) to assume that women “learn” that shopping is an acceptable form of therapy as it to assume that women enjoy shopping more than men. All genders learn through communication what is “gender-appropriate”, and I think that should be taken into consideration when using stereotypes about all genders in intercultural communication. The use of stereotypes derived from culturally subjective views of "truth" is just as useless, and has just as much potential for damage, between heterosexual men and heterosexual women as it does between heterosexuals, homosexuals, and bisexuals (etc).

Mulvaney’s article was articulate and a comprehensive introduction of the topic. These ideas are simply an expounding on the material she so adequately presented. It is worth the read, if you come across the article.

Willy-Joe's

2005-05-15T14:38:00.000-05:00

Last night I went with Allison Wonderland to the opening of Willy Joe's, Bloomington's new (and only) lesbian bar. I looked great. I was wearing a long flowy brown skirt, purple heels, a black semi-see-through tank top with a purple bra underneath, and a small brown shrug. We got a drink, and sat down to take in the scene, and a gay boy named David walks up to me, takes one look at me - one look at my "designer clutch" - and says, "Dooney and Burke? Lesbians don't have style. You're not a real lesbian are you?"

Good lord - is it that obvious?

I responded that no, I'm not a lesbian, I am in fact bisexual. He said "oh", like I had suddenly become less of who I am, and walked away disinterested. As if it isn't hard enough to find a woman who embraces her feminity, isn't crazy, and is in Indiana, I now have to face the stigma of being a "fence-sitter". I'm the John Kerry of the queer world, and I am constantly faced with what a "flip-flopper" I am. Bisexuality is such an intangible concept. It's a gender bender. I make straight girls nervous, straight guys want to videotape it, and lesbians think I don't have the courage to make up my mind. Why is it so hard to understand (or once understood, so unacceptable) that I am simply attracted to both men and women. Physically, women are the superior gender (without question). Intuitively, I enjoy that I don't have to explain the joy I find in organizing things, or the fact that if I hair isn't just-so, I'm clearly not beautiful. Women already know these things.

I love the power that men have. That subtle undercurrent of magnetic attraction that pulls a man and a woman together like pieces of a puzzle. And mmmm....when the puzzle fits. But why can't I enjoy both genders without being seen as greedy - wanting to have my cake and eat it too. (Have my man and eat...nevermind). It's a strange stigma to me. It's like when African-Americans are racist...when lesbians judge bisexuals. Why can't we just all be alternative together? I suppose everyone has a right to choose what they will and will not accept, but I'm discovering that the lesbian culture as a whole is more restrictive that one would think. Notoriously so, according to Allison.

Last was good in so many ways though. I went to Bulls alone, and I had the most wonderful time. I just got on stage and I danced. I got compliments, hoots, 3 free drinks, and 4 men stumbling over themselves to dance with me. I've never been hit on so much in my life. It's further proof that happiness and confidence are the most beautiful aspect of any one person. (Or any two people for that matter...what a strange expression). I danced salsa with a dominican, I danced circles around a classical guitarist with no rhythm, I made love to a man in leather pants who was surprisingly straight. (not actual love, dance love). I felt free. I felt like that first day in Paris, when I arrived at the cathedral next to the international hostel, and realized that no one expected anything from me at that moment. No one knew just where I was, I didn't have anywhere to be, I couldn't forget anything or let anyone down. That is the single most beautiful feeling I have ever experienced, and last night was a bit of deja vu. Thank you for this weekend, this happiness, this freedom. Thank me.

Why must I continue to explain myself?

2005-05-14T02:24:00.000-05:00

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

I don't do drugs. I am drugs.

Take me, I am the drug; take me, I am hallucinogenic.

There are some days when I think I'm going to die from an overdose of satisfaction.

Wine Soiree

2005-05-14T01:55:00.000-05:00

What a wonderful night! This is by far the most successful wine party I have thrown. The participants were the following: Ben, Brandon, Jason Plourde, Ed Mout, Stephanie Bain, Chris Judd, Tammy Wapinski, Adam Menninga, Allison Wonderland, Ana (mmm.), Ann Sauder, Jeff Franka, and myself. I think that's it - that's enough! My little living room was full - of good company, good food, good wine, and good music

We listened to Pink Martini, Edith Piaf, Kathleen Battle (Grace), La Boheme (Dream Cast), Aria, Jane Monheit, and now Madeleine Peyroux. I even had my wall pounded on by a neighbor. :) A fun night. I found myself preoccupied with observation half the time - stranded gently in the center of the room, looking at the polarized groups and their attentive conversations. Animated in every aspect, consumed with the mmmm-ness of friendship, wine, and European treats. We had nearly every wine (well, not quite, but it was a tasting of sorts). We had zinfandel (Bogel Old Vine), pinot noir (from the Willamette Valley), Shiraz, Reisling, Chardonnay, Beaujolais, and others. I think we finished 8 bottles of wine among us. There was never an empty glass, never a dull moment. I love hosting evenings like this. Moments where I can share with my friends my love of things that are worthy of appreciation. Subtle jazz, divine voices, generous flavours, and conversation. The art of conversation is being lost, and I want to fight that trend. I want to support meaningful interaction. Not that the interaction was meaningful on my behalf, but rather on the part of friends who am I proud to say have something TO say. :) I'm rambling. After partaking in 8 bottles of wine, it's not really surprising that my literary skills are about as cohesive as a band-aid on shower wet skin. I am happy though. That's a nice way to finish the evening. Simple. Happy.

Goodnight.

Summer Rain

2005-05-13T13:08:00.000-05:00

There is something about summer storms that is all-consuming.
Their suddenness
The aggressive way in which they make themselves known
They are the Hollywood of Heaven.

There is also something that is infinately releasing
about getting drenched beyond vanity
in warm rain
On a slick street

The immediate and visible chaos that
spontaneously develops
Along with the claps of thunder
the bolts of lightening
accompanied by Sirens
as the observable world
deconstructs
and vision is not as reliable
is it once was

Then fear arrives
and I revel in it

I love to be drenched
to be absorbed by chaos.
to give in.

(And on a somewhat related, but much less serious level)

Music, My soul on fire...

2005-05-12T21:05:00.000-05:00

It is cruel, you know, that music should be so beautiful. It has the beauty of loneliness & of pain: of strength & freedom. The beauty of disappointment & never-satisfied love. The cruel beauty of nature, & everlasting beauty of monotony.

- Benjamin Britten

Music is the silence between the notes.

- Claude Debussy

Music is an indirect force for change, because it provides an anchor against human tragedy

- Jessie Michael, Operation Ivy, In Music/Punk

Where words fail, music speaks.
- Hans Christian Andersen (1805-1875)

It had never occurred to me before that music and thinking
are so much alike. In fact you could say music is another
way of thinking, or maybe thinking is another kind of music.
- Ursula K. Le Guin



Music — The one incorporeal entrance into the higher world of
knowledge which comprehends mankind but which mankind cannot
comprehend.
- Ludwig van Beethoven

Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is
impossible to be silent.
- Victor Hugo

Green

2005-05-12T16:00:00.000-05:00

My color today is green for renewal
green for beginning
I am alone today
This is new
I have been by myself for sometime now
but I was lonely
now I am simply alone
and that is a gorgeous difference

There is a point at which the thread of my patience
snaps
At which sarcasm engenders only sorrow
At which I refuse to bear the entire weight of this endeavor
I am beautiful
I am intelligent
I am caring
I am generous
I will take nothing less than compassion
I will take nothing less than respect
I will not support you any more
YOU
you who have clamored for me
you who have been grateful for me
you who have left me not alone
but LONELY
I will not support you anymore

And so today is a green day
Although I thought to celebrate outside
But outside smells like fertilizer
so I will bring the green to me
I will open up
I will trust
I will reinvigorate
And you will not be able to capture my spirit
and pin my down like a butterfly
Because my wings are on the inside
If you want to find them
you will have to knock gently on that door
and I will let you in again
or for the first time

But do not damage me
I will not support you
if you steal my flight
if you break me
I will only be broken by myself
because
I am self-healing

I will still love you
as I have always loved you
I will not hold a grudge
I will not hate you
You are a part of me
you have taught me many things
good things
funny things
dangerous things
hateful things
loving things
And if you want to find me
I will be here
alone
and smiling
my inner wings aflutter

A lovely evening/Goodbyes

2005-05-12T02:09:00.000-05:00

Tonight is my second goodbye of the week. It's sad to see all these friends go, but in a way, it is also reassuring. I am so proud of the friends I have made. I know all these intelligent, ambitious, divine people, and now that I they are all moving - I have friends all over the world. It's a delicious feeling to know that I have friends in New York, Paris, London, Cincinnati, Seattle, Florence, Portland, San Diego, San Francisco, Boston...the list goes on. It helps me realize that, while I am still in Bloomington, I will never be trapped anywhere. I have the ability to roam the world in the best company one could ask for - and if I can't afford to travel, I have the luxury of a generous imagination. For all these things, I am grateful.